♡The Holidays ♡

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I have a love-hate relationship for Christmas. When I was younger it was my favorite holiday, not only because of the gifts, but because I would get to spend time with my whole family. My mom's side would all gather on Christmas eve and open presents. This consisted of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandma, but back then we would always have gatherings like that so maybe I didn't appreciate it as much. My uncle would always buy me these big life-size stuffed animal dogs, which I loved, but on the other hand, my mother very much disliked them. I miss those times. When my mom's side of the family didn't all live in Texas. When my grandma was still alive. She was the one that kept us all connected. After her life ended, so did our family gatherings. On Christmas day my brother and I would open our parent's gifts and then head to my Dad's side's Christmas. This was at my grandparent's house, with my two uncles and grandparents. The energy was always so high, everyone smiling and laughing watching my brother and I open our gifts. I remember my grandma would always put up this white tacky tree that my dad and uncles would make fun of. I always had a great time spending time with my dad's side, they were a lot more fart humor-based rather than my mom's side. My dad's side has always been more vulgar, but that's what I love about them. Now my one uncle lives in Kentucky and my other is close to Portage. My grandpa is going senile and losing his wit while my grandma has to watch him fall apart. This is why I hate the holidays. I'm no longer surrounded by family. No more gatherings. No more laughter. Just mailed cards that say Merry Christmas with cash slid inside. I appreciate the gifts I get from my family, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that I have a family at all, I know there are those out there without one who wouldn't mind being in my position. I guess it just hurts not realizing you're living in the good times. Christmas used to be the most magical time of the year, with snow, Santa, and this warmth that I no longer feel anymore. Maybe it was ignorance. Who knows, hell, it doesn't even snow for Christmas anymore. I recently listened to the first version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, they changed the original lyrics because the singer didn't want to be blamed for "ruining Christmas" since the song was a sad song. But, personally, I feel as though this song resonates with me at this point in my life. This song is exactly how Christmas feels to me. 



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